It's not like Dallin and I always had this perfect relationship. We rarely ever got in disagreements, but it was also a little nerve-racking to think about the future when we knew we were high school sweethearts and therefore hadn't dated around / "gotten as much experience" as much as people said we should. And like all couples, there are always going to be little issues here and there.
In my case, it didn't help that I had depression and anxiety and didn't realize the full effect it was having on me. Sometimes, like when we were in San Francisco, I took it out on him. Often though, like on Pi Day when he had arranged a fun and elaborate pie- and circle-themed datenight, I tried so so desperately to just feel happy. Dates like that were fun-- and the sad and painful feelings would go away for a little bit, but I felt nothing more than numbness. It was the very night of our Pi Day date that we pulled over on a dark street overlooking Provo, and Dallin finally said, "I feel like I'm not making you happy."
That statement broke my heart. Immediately I jumped up to defend him. "Dallin, I promise, it's not you!" I said, and finally, slowly, attempted to explain for only the second time to anyone in 4.5 years, something that was really wrong inside of me. I opened up a little bit. Dallin, carefully, pressed further. We both were left sobbing. Dallin finally expressed, "Katie, I think you have a problem with eating. I think that might have something to do with this."
I was in denial about the eating thing, but I was very embarrassed and ashamed of what I had shared with him. Scared that he would feel trapped, that he would feel like he was was stuck dating this out-of-control girl who he couldn't leave if he wanted because I was too emotionally unstable, I tried to offer him a way out. Since he had to leave the next morning for spring break in Arizona, I told him that we wouldn't talk for a week, and that he could do WHATEVER he wanted {including go out with other girls} for that time.
Looking back, I realize that was my Starved Brain talking {it's actually a thing}. Of course Dallin wasn't going to leave me and date around just days after I had admitted some very vulnerable things to him. It probably scared the living freak out of him that I suddenly didn't want to talk. He respected that wish for a little bit, but he called me not longer after he had left Utah to make sure that I was OK. I was happy to hear his voice. Still, even though I had brought this upon myself, it was a very long week with him away. I was relieved to see him again and to realize that none of his feelings for me had changed during the ten days that I had given him to think through the situation-- that he was dating a girl who was out of her freaking mind.
At the same time though, Dallin wasted no time to get me help. Since I refused to do anything myself, he {in his loving wisdom, bless his soul} called BYU counseling against my will and literally walked me to my emergency session. After my first-ever session with a therapist ended, Dallin was waiting on the couches and went with me to the BYU store to bye himself a snack. He split the banana in half and tried to offer it to me, but I wouldn't take it.
"I already had lunch," I replied defensively.
He cocked his head, knowing without a word that my "lunch" couldn't even count as a meager snack. "Did you tell the therapist about the eating thing?"
"Dal," I protested. "No, I told him about the other stuff. He said I have depression. Look, I'm just trying to deal with one thing at a time here."
"Gosh dang it Kate, I'm going to march you right back in there!" He tugged at my hand, but I planted my feet.
That was in March. In April, my weight dropped to its lowest as I prepared for finals. I was no longer in denial that I had a problem with eating, but I didn't want to do anything about it because honestly I liked not eating, in that sick and twisted way. Although I pretended to be freaked out by it, I was admittedly proud of myself for "finally" getting my weight down into the 80's. Dallin, on the other hand, was actively seeking ways to help me. He figured out my "safe" foods {trail mix and protein smoothies} and offered them to me almost every time I came to his house. Heaven knows I needed any calories I was wouldn't blatantly refuse. He talked with his friend Nicole, who herself had dealt with anorexia as a teenager and had talked about her symptoms and experiences with all of his roommates a few months prior. Dallin had picked up on some of the symptoms that I had in common with Nicole-- tearing my food with my fingers and eating it slowly...constantly baking and giving all the food I made away...
One day, Dallin arranged for Nicole and I to talk privately in a bedroom.
"I know you won't want to listen to me because you think I'm fat now." When I tried to shake my head, she called my bluff. "Trust me, I used to think exactly the same way."
She told me that now, her weight didn't matter as much as being healthy and being able to enjoy a brownie with her friends without stressing about it. "Katie, have you thought about what it would be like to be happy again?"
I honestly didn't think that was possible. Nicole shared some very personal experiences with me, and eventually I had to sit down on the floor.
"You're lightheaded," she noticed, and just when I started to think that it was weird because I had eaten dinner, she added, "you haven't eaten enough."
Nicole was kind but blunt with me. As she talked about the possibility of getting checked into an in-patient therapy, I was mortified. "I don't want my parents paying for my therapy!" I defended.
She shook her head. "Either your parents pay for your help, or they pay for your funeral. It's that simple."
The statement hit me like a ton of bricks, and tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized that I was so so sick and had no idea how to change something that I didn't even want to change. I was so depressed that it made no sense for me to make choices based off of my own future well-being, because I didn't really care about my future anymore. Nicole knew that. She'd been there.
"I'm here for you," she said gently. "I know you don't want a hug, because people like us don't like touch--" {that was mostly an emotional truth, but recently I had become so physically fragile that when my boyfriend and I kissed, it felt unnaturally like I might just break} "--but I'm here for you. And you have to promise me something. What do you want to name your first daughter?"
"Vienna," I answered, eyeing her warily.
"The next time you have a cruel thought about yourself-- you try to tell yourself that you aren't beautiful, or that you aren't worth it-- I want you to replace your own name with Vienna's."
"I could never say something like that to her!"
"Exactly."
By time the semester finished, MANY people had asked Dallin and I why we didn't just get engaged already. Of course, that was totally between me and Dallin, and by May one of the things that we talked about was that I needed to get more stabilized with my eating disorder before we could make any big life decisions. Although it was hard to hear at the time, that was a very wise choice. Within the next few weeks, I started seeing a doctor, a dietician, an individual therapist, and attending group therapy. The journey ahead of me would still be very, very long. I had compulsive habits to change, a body to heal, and a mind to piece back together.
It's not like Dallin and I always had this perfect relationship. In September, we broke up, too anxious about the future to be able to stick together. I relapsed a bit, yet in that entire month and all the nights I couldn't sleep, I couldn't help but think about how the way Dallin had dealt with me and my trials was such a reflection of how great a father he would be to his future daughters. In a world where everyone is flaunting something for money -- a tiny waist for a swimsuit brand, a bubble butt for a YouTube workout channel, a lowcal entree for a trendy diet-- I realized how valuable it was that Dallin had always seen through the bulls**t that the world pushes on women. He had always emphasized my health above ALL ELSE, and yet all the while {no matter what I weighed} always made me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet. When I really thought we were broken up for good, I wondered if I would ever find another guy that treated me like that.
When he came back a month later, that was one of the reasons that I knew just as strongly as he that I wanted us to be together. When we got engaged three months after that, that was one of the reasons I was able to shout YES so emphatically. He had always made me feel worth it. He never demeaned me or made me feel like a crazy person despite all the mental ups and downs that resulted from me starving my own brain tissue. He saw my potential and talked about it, like I was meant to be a strong and composed mother-figure somewhere down the road, I just had to figure myself out first.
Now, I am doing leaps and bounds better. Something clicked after I had a mild relapse over Christmas break, and now for whatever reason I have suddenly felt completely motivated to take care of myself and my body, no matter how much food and rest it takes. I tell myself that my eating disorder is in the past, and while that may be an illusion, it's been incredibly empowering to to put that label behind me and really focus on feeding my needs. Dallin always keeps a close eye on me, and he is more aware of my unhealthy thoughts or decisions that I am. He will always bring me an extra granola bar or stop what he's doing to make me an egg because he knows I'm often too hesitant to get myself another snack after a meal, even when my stomach is grumbling. He is ALWAYS positive regarding my body, but he expresses excitement at me continuing to gain weight for my health's sake...and honestly because what man doesn't love a little more womanly shape!
One of my biggest fears is not being able to set a good example for Vienna and my other future daughters, and sending them the wrong message about their relationship with food and their body. Heaven forbid they ever go down the path I took, but regardless of what trials or struggles they may face, I hope they can have people in their lives like Dallin and Nicole who truly make them feel like they deserve every ounce of health, happiness, and self-love.
