Kate of the Desert

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This whole school year, I've tended to reserve blogging for special events like vacations and holidays and the occasional really good Saturday night. But being unable to find the camera cord to upload photos from Europe and Winter Formal, I realized that perhaps I've neglected other more serious parts of my life. I mean maybe it was because, after all, this is the Internet and some of this stuff is personal. But when it's made such a big difference in my life, perhaps it's worth sharing.
*edit: to clear things up, no, this is NOT about me feeling melancholy or missing any of the old relationships/friendships. I have ZERO remaining feelings. rather I wrote this as a reflection because I realized how triumphant I now feel.*
It's weird to look back now and see how differently than I expected that weird thing called high school played out. I was always wrapped up in my own little world, shy and silent on the outside but bursting with endless loud ideas beneath my eggshell. Needless to say, I had a really hard time feeling like I fit in-- anywhere.
I did manage to find a group of friends and even a boyfriend. I compiled plenty of enjoyable memories, and-- oh man-- was I convinced for almost two whole years that I knew what "true love" was.
Yet still I'd go through these periods of inexplicable sadness unquenched by fun Friday nights. I didn't feel right where I was {although still convinced the relationship was perfect} yet was completely incapable of making any change that might help me feel more... important? Is that the word? Finally, at the time of junior Prom, it seemed everything was working out. I started to become more connected with some of the people in my friend circle, and everyone in my prom group was dating each other. What I didn't know what that it would never last. When summer rolled around, everything fell apart.
We needn't go into the drama. What I will say is that the breakup dragged on for a month, and that I was very naive {especially towards the very end} thinking that I could still pick up the pieces and make everything picture perfect again. I just reread the breakup post from August and about died laughing when I saw that we "stilled poked each other with pencils" and that the sole reason for the breakup was "to get ready for his mission." HAHAHA. The day after that post we got in a huge fight where the truth was revealed and then we never really spoke again.
Now here's where we really begin.

In a moment when I thought this was bound to be the worst year of my whole high school career, I said "Girl, get ahold of yourself!" and just like that decided to make a change. My friends weren't really being that great to me, a secret of mine was spilled and gossip started flying around behind my back. Yet when I made up my mind to not cry over silly things, to not be a victim and to take control of my own life, suddenly I felt happier than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I gained a sense of self esteem because I recognized how useless it was to hide behind my own fears and self-pity. How trivial were my "problems" compared to the million other things I could be dealing with, so why not turn it into something better? It doesn't mean I was a witch; I dealt with things passive-aggressively, and let me tell you silence made such a bigger statement than a screaming fight ever could have. And I'm not saying that anything was easy. I had to be brave in the sense that I made changes in my social life-- both in who I spent my weekends with and with how I interacted with people in general. I forced myself out of my shell to become more talkative and suddenly realized that the big bad world may not be that big and bad after all.
The funny thing is, things have really been working out. The moment he said, "It's over," I thought everything was over, and yet within a matter of days things slowly but surely started taking an unexpected turn for the better. It was just a matter of positivity, a matter of doing the best I could and then just rolling with it. I've met new people I get along better with. I've encountered opportunities that I otherwise would've forgoed.
If I were to go back in time and meet the girl I was back in August, I don't know if she'd recognize me. I've changed so much. But I would never take anything back.

I'm realizing more and more that the happiest times in my life are those times I decide to be a little crazy.

We were in Hawaii driving the Road to Hana. When we passed this waterfall pouring down a gash through the mountainside, my family was content to just stop for a moment to take a few photos. But I was feeling squirmish-- yeah, this would be a cool picture when uploaded on social media or whatever, but not too long afterwards a photo was all we would have! this small pause on our journey would not be enough to imprint on our memories.
Ditching my shoes and stripping to my swimsuit, I decided in this moment of joyous spontaneity to be adventurous and hiked all the way to the bottom while the rest of my family stayed above. Eventually Adam and Dad joined me, but I had long been swimming in the refreshing water. How I felt alive! with the roar of gravity-caught water and the rough showering on my skin and the serenity in the mist. I absolutely could've cried when mom yelled down for us to get back in the car.

So why is it that the times when we shrug aside the expectations {my mom had really not wanted me to climb down} and decide to be a little wild that we are the happiest? This has occurred several times in my life, when I've been with a group of people and been the first {and often the only} one to actually live the adventure, the beauty, the world, not just see it from a safe and comfortable distance. Even then, being crazy isn't the same as being stupid; I didn't run down the slippery mountain pathway to the waterfall.
My mom told me that she wants me to be a strong woman. We know too many people who got married young, before they even had the time to be out in the real world and discover who they really were. I don't wanna be that girl. Yes, my absolute dream is to get married and raise a family from home, but how can I possibly raise strong children if I myself am a weakling, quiet and content to endure whatever happens to me? I can't just endure! I have to live a life where any hardships thrown at me can make me stronger, where I can stand on my own two feet and know exactly who I am in all circumstances and follow my dreams. I want to be fearless and full of adventure, ready to ditch the norm so I can create memories like those at the waterfall with every ~~step~~ leap I take.

You know what makes me frustrated? When girls complain that they're fat, but when I try to tell them they're not {cause they're thin!}, they pout "You can't say that. You weigh less than me!" When I try to point out that "Hun, of course I weigh a little less considering I am FIVE FEET TALL," they choose to ignore me.
We live in a world of constant perfecting. Now, in many ways I believe this is a good thing, since it should be our goal in life to constantly be learning and making ourselves better. But some people take this the wrong way.
When I was probably twelve, my mom and all of her friends decided to live a "healthier lifestyle." They all teamed up to run and bike everyday as well as eat whole grains, fruits and veggies, and eliminate sugar. It was wonderful for them. My mom would be so happy as she talked about how she was losing weight. Seeing how much these ladies liked it, I decided I should join in the eating-healthy club, and even started running occasionally.
But for the next two years, it transformed into something horrible for a young adolescent girl like me. Instead of seeing the benefits of eating wheat bread and drinking smoothies, I was only seeing how "terrible" it was whenever I ate something I thought to be too many calories. I didn't even know what the phrase "high calorie" even meant. Even if I had completely nutritious food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if my dad insisted that I eat a little ice cream, I would freak. I remember one time playing softball and, even though all the other girls were totally enjoyed all the candy displayed on the park table, I was feeling completely guilty for eating a single skittle. One of the girls even asked me if I was on a diet, but I said no since I knew that girls my age weren't really supposed to be on diets.

When my aunt saw this picture, she jokingly asked if we ever even ate.

I had always been tiny. People always told me this too! But whenever I stood in front of the mirror waiting for the shower to heat up, the reflection failed me. It was like my eyes were seeing one of those image-widening mirrors in the carnival. I was stick thin, yet my paranoid vision stretched the sight into a totally fat-looking version of myself. It was horrible.
Fortunately, back when I was in gymnastics and before this ever started my mom had made me promise never to do something like make myself throw up or starve myself. I am so grateful that I was an obedient child. But it still was scary living this life where the very substance that keeps all beings alive-- food-- was now becoming an enemy that made my stomach church with guilt every time I took a bite.
I don't really know when or how I came out of it. Man, was it a relief though. And it just hurts my heart to see girls who go through image struggles that get SO much worse than this.
Come on girls. This is not the solution to making yourself prettier or whatever it is you want.
Now that I'm older, I've come to the happy medium of treating my body well without taking away ALL the good old pleasures. See, it's not hard at all to exchange the white for wheat, processed sugar for honey, {natural} juice for soda. To take one instead of two. The earth has given us SO much, so why not binge on all those yummy veggies and fruit? Find some good hummus and eat away. Or get a juicer to make a delicious drink of blended apples, oranges, carrots and whatever else suits you-- chalk full of nutrition! Being fit is not about stripping away the calories, but packing in the vitamins and minerals and fiber and protein.
I know we all love the occasional ice cream or brownie, and I definitely am not saying to get rid of them. If you're hanging out with friends and it looks so delicious that your mouth is watering, have some fun, be human, and take a small! It's better to let yourself be happy and have a little when you're really craving it than to force yourself not to for so long that your mind just builds up an image so huge that you eventually crumple and end up eating some extra-large, triple-chocolate sundae. But remember than dessert doesn't have to mean unhealthy! Over the summer, my sister and I would stay up late watching scary movies with smoothies and air-popped popcorn. {We loved blending frozen bananas with milk and a bit of flaxseed to make a thick, creamy smoothie that tasted like ice cream!}
Workout-wise, I think it's just about being motivated. So many people say "I'll start next week," but honestly hun? JUST GET TO IT. I posted earlier about my workout, but even if you don't want to do even that much... Well, if you're homework is starting to get a little boring, I have an idea. Take a short break by finding your favorite four-minute song with a good beat and for the whole duration of it, do sit-ups, crunches, obliques, and V-ups {I like to change whatever I'm doing every time the song makes a new transition}. In four minutes, you end up doing between 100-150 reps. I've started doing this every day, and guess what. Though it's only been about two weeks, it's DEFINITELY making a difference. My parent's have forbidden me from running due to some crimes in my neighborhood, but for those of you who can be really safe about it, I've also found that a quick jog is also a good way to keep in shape, but to clear up my mind when I'm feeling stressed.

Honestly, beauty is not defined solely by the outside. Phyiscally, I know that I'm not the prettiest girl alive. But having the perfect facial structure, perfect height, perfect metabolism is not something gained, but something as random as the lottery. That's why it's sad that so many girls strive so hard to be like the models in the magazine. I'll confess that I probably spend way too much time lavishing myself with makeup, trying to make my eyes bigger or shorten my oblong face. I use chemicals to make my dirty blond hair lighter. I like shopping for the stylish clothing. But in the end, the only reason we should ever bother with these things like staying fit is to ENHANCE ourselves. To think of the future, when you can look back and thank yourself because you're not dealing with some of the health issues of those around you because you actually tried.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE. You only get one body, one chance to make the best out of what you've got. But find the balance. Don't make the worst out of your happiness by trying to make the "best" of your body's beauty.

America is a fast-paced land.

It seems that as soon as one problem is resolved {or at least simmers down for a little while} another one catapults and explodes in everyone's faces.
Alright, I'll admit it. I'm one of those nutshells who, when home babysitting and bored, will go on Facebook and look at the pictures on The Comical Conservative page and then after a while switch over to the Being Liberal page to compare. At the end of it all I was quite angry at pretty much everything.
You know how it works. On both sides of the spectrum, name-calling name-calling name-calling. When you add the two together, everyone has been called a completely selfish, brain-washed idiot who blubbers at the face of a single face... and also the wise one who understands so much more because they've done all the research.
I'm honest when asked and I'll go ahead and say that I definitely lean more to the right side. This is how I've been raised. People on both sides of my family, both religious and atheist, both wealthy and not as much, many of whom are extremely intelligent and experienced, are conservative. Not to mention the fact that Arizona is typically a Republican state, and although my religion does not take a political standpoint,74% of it's members are also registered Republican.
But as I look into both, I start to realize that neither is totally correct. Yeah, I believe {in my own free, personal opinion} that one is much better than the other, but there are still issues.
If you've read my blog you know that I'm in my comfort zone when other people are happy and peaceful. Aren't we all? When the Pilgrims sailed to the New Land and years later the Revolutionary War was fought and a Constitution born, the main goal was to achieve freedom of smile. Even if it required initial hardship to gain it. I believe that the Constitution is a beautiful creation and it pierces my heart to think that our own government would fail to uphold it. {In a 2001 radio interview, Barack Obama is quoted to have said, “generally the Constitution is a charter of negative liberties: [It] says what the states can’t do to you, says what the federal government can’t do to you, but it doesn’t say what the federal government or the state government must do on your behalf.” Hello?! One of the greatest purposes of this document-- the same document that influenced many other independence-and-democracy-seeking nation-- was to limit government power. Remember England's strangling grip on the colonies?}
Let's get real here. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and every All-American family is planning on a BBQ and swim party and a trip to see fireworks with their red, white, and blue to celebrate this wonderful country. It's problems just get frustrating, and so now I am going to spurt it all out.

Probably my biggest problem with the liberal agenda is the whole abortion/"pro-choice" deal. {I've already discussed my opinion on this particular issue here.} I have absolutely no right to speak for those victims of rape or those women who have serious medical concerns; they have suffered plenty and can make the decision as they wish. But for the vast majority, well... Let's be blunt. If you want to get all lovey-dovey, it is NOT the baby's fault. The baby has every right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that you have, so if you don't want him or him, ADOPTION. I know personally some wonderful families who are unable to get pregnant and have to wait for years on the waiting list to adopt a child. Then you have the whole deal of taxes to cover birth control or companies having to pay the insurance. I'm sorry if you "can't afford it." Because as my friend Chandler pointed out in a class discussion, the best form of birth control is abstinence. Makes sense, right? Lesson here: deal with your own friggen sex.
However, one thing that leaves me uncomfortable with the conservative party is immigration. This issue is a big head-spinner whatever side you look at it from, but I'm concerned that the typical Republican may not look at it from an understanding point of view. First off, it's not as simple as just "Washington needs to put up the dang wall already" as I've heard people say. The border is 1,969 miles long, and even then it won't prevent people from entering. It's also extremely expensive, costing $20 million per 28 miles. The average yearly amount spent on border enforcement in general is $1.4 billion. And if no one already realized, this nation is already in at least $16.7 trillion worth of debt. Then you have the 11 million people who are already here, living illegally-- and the question is, would shipping them back home or granting them amnesty cost more? Also, rarely do these people "take jobs from Americans." People coming from Mexico where minimum wage is $4.25, unemployment is high, and social programs are few are way more willing to accept those dreaded jobs and for a lower pay too-- ever wonder how much more some things would cost if Americans had to pick the fruit, scrape the meat from crab shells, or clean the stalls? Now for the moment put aside any problems for the U.S. when it comes to illegals and put yourself in someone else's shoes. Can you imagine living in a situation where your family is starving and almost no work is available? Keep in mind that we do not choose the circumstances we are born in, and as a person born in the U.S.A., the country with the highest standard of living, I know that I am nothing more than lucky and grateful. If there was a better option, I'm sure people would take it, because crossing the border is extremely difficult {more than $2500 payed to cross per person not to mention the over 2000 deaths in the past decade} . And gaining citizenship legally is a really long, hard path as well because there is a cap to the number of people who can come per country, and in places like Phoenix, it can take 11-15 years to get permanent residency. People are desperate! Now I'm not saying that we should have illegals, however, I do believe that we should increase the number of green cards available because I know people would seize the opportunity in an instant. {thank you to sources including Time Magazine, The Arizona Republic, and the U.S. Border Patrol's Department of Public Affairs in Washington, D.C.}
So gay marriage was just legalized across the country. This is a very difficult, controversial topic. In my own {again, very personal and free-spoken} opinion, homosexuality is morally wrong. I have been raised in a strong Christian home that taught me these values, not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend and am quite straight anyway. But then I realize-- just because I believe that it's a sin doesn't mean that other people do {I just believe they'll find out on the other side-- again, opinions opinions!}. Similarly, just because I and others believe that alcohol is bad doesn't mean that the Prohibition worked. I know gays who, even if I don't agree with them, are amazing people that I totally adore. For the issue of homosexuality, at this point I'm just like let's let everyone leave each other alone. As long as my future children understand the religious principals of The Family Proclamation and gays or lesbians don't infringe upon the rights of straight people by forcing Christian or other similarly-believing churches to marry them, I'll stay out of their business. We already had enough trouble in my own church back in its early days when everyone else opposed polygamy.
Then we have the gun-rights problem. I lean more right when it comes to this, but I also believe the left has some good points. In less than a year the U.S. has experienced several shootings, including the Aurora and Newtown shootings I posted about. It's devastating to see the innocent perishing by the quick, merciless hand of someone so clearly grasped by the devil. However, remember the 2nd Amendment protecting the right to bear arms and the fact that, in times preceding the Constitution or its amendments, Americans had been facing some serious troubles with British oppression and the King's desire to remove weapons from Patriot hands so they would be left weak. In the eyes of Sir William Blackstone, the right to bear arms is the right to protect oneself. Fortunately we live in a republic and not under the tyranny of a foreign monarch. But living in a time where war is common and enemies pound their fists, you never know what can happen. 270 million guns being owned by Americans {the U.S. is the most heavily-armed nation} is probably an effect of this very thought: What if the freedom we enjoy today was torn from our hands tomorrow? We'd need a way to fight back just like our ancestors did. We can also take a look at history and see how Jews under Hitler's rule, not considered "citizens," were excluded from any benefits of the 1938 German Weapons Act and therefore prohibited from gun ownership {look what happened soon after that}. Also, in 1918 the radical Bolsheviks in Russia made it illegal for any one outside their party to own firearms-- this being during the Russian Civil War. And you can always keep in mind those stories of strangers breaking into the home. Thus, it is obvious then that we really should be prepared and have some of self-defense. However, concern also lies with the fact that guns can be used for offense as well, and we can't deny the number of people who have been murdered, like I said, in even this year alone. So do we need background checks before guns are sold? Or maybe the honest truth is the average citizen does not need machine guns. I'm not sure.
With the whole Global Warming thing, I have heard several things from both sides. Especially in the past, I read several articles on the deterioration of the ozone layer and the destruction of habitat, etc.; I've also heard stories that the people advertizing the deal have been found hypocrites, flying the same privet jet planes they just announced to be terrible for the environment. My dad tells me about his youth when people claimed the world was slipping into a "Global Cooling." Really, the more I look into it, I believe Global Warming has been an exaggerated issue. According to the Wall Street Journal article No Need to Panic About Global Warming, an article signed by sixteen known scientists, the earth hasn't experienced an increase in temperature in the past decade {this being backed by the research done by the Met Office and the University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit, which took data from 30,000 stations worldwide-- thank you PolicyMic's article A Really Inconvenient Truth: Global Warming is Not Real}The biggest "enemy" to the environment was claimed to be CO2, however, keep in mind that plants need CO2 to grow and produce our O2. Studies show that many, many years ago life on earth greatly expanded when the level of CO2 was 10 times the level it is today. Not to mention the fact that CO2 is increased only when temperature increases, NOT vice versa. 31,000 scientists since 1998 have even signed saying that there is no evidence of Global Wamring. Guess how many followers of the IPCC are there to say there is? 2500. This being said though, that doesn't mean we can't make an effort to be green and treat our world kindly {as long as it doesn't take $106.7 billion of taxpayers' money like from 2003-2010}-- it's our home, and I'd rather be safe than sorry.

This world really confuses me. Sometimes I wish I could just magically fly away to some better time, better place, where I wouldn't have to worry and argue nearly as much.
But obviously that won't happen. So in the mean time, I'm gonna do my best to research and vote for the right people when I turn 18, and even before then try to bring a smile to others' faces.

Dangers lurk in every corner, they sometimes say.
The human mind, above all, is the greatest weapon available.
Perhaps it cannot perform physical violence, locked up all fragile beneath a hard skull and thick hair. But despite fragility, this structure is highly complex and the center of intellect... the imagination, the creativity, the thinker, the inventor of all things humanly dangerous, the willpower to move the rest of the body to perform these dangerous deeds.
But perhaps it is not the mind of a genius bomb-rigger or trap-setter that is most lethal.
No, most dark and dangerous is the mind of the most simple and innocent, that lies and deceives and hurts and hates not those around it, but its very own person. The mind that should protect it's boy or girl, man or woman, but instead conspires against it.

A beautiful girl whose looks the other girls at school crave gazes into the mirror and does not see what those others do. As her eyes behold the sight, the image in the glass distorts itself, a hallucination expanding her tiny waistline, flattening her lovely curves, taunting her in the false belief that she is fat and should go to any expense to guarantee a skinny bod that is in fact already there. Or maybe as she looks into her reflection, she sees her eyes too small, her nose too long. Her proportions are perfect in the opinion of anyone else, yet she mourns the fact that no amount of dark makeup or extreme weight-loss methods will change the main structure of her looks.
Another teen cannot sleep at night, constantly thrashing in the humiliation of an embarrassing event that happened earlier. Really, hardly anyone noticed, and those who did may have giggled harmlessly for a second before forgetting about the whole thing entirely. Yet the thought of it torments, twisting the memory to think that everyone was most likely snickering cruelly and now he will be labeled a fool forever.
The mind naturally seeks patterns. And even completely unrelated things will be plucked from their place and molded to fit into the puzzle as a confirmation of what a person thinks they should be seeing.

       We as humans seek comfort, security, peace, contentment. Yet so easily we fall into the traps set by ourselves, ensnared in the nets of irrationality. Why do we do this?
    A girl squeezes her eyes shut, trying to barricade the tears that sting and the sight of the bottle of pills she is dumping entirely into her cupped palm. The door is locked, and her head aches with the thoughts that absolutely no person on the face of the planet would miss her hopeless soul anyway.
   We are all born into the world unique in so many ways. If only we could clear our heads, could see ourselves in a precise balance between confidence and humility.
   Every. Person. Is. Special.
If only it didn't take sixty compliments to counteract a single insult. It's tragic, but way too many people suffer from a pain that, even if sparked by others, flares up in a blaze fueled by their own minds.
I wish we could just say, "Frick you, everything. I'm me, myself, and I, and that makes me happy."
But I guess that's just something we all need to work on.
And at the same time, we need to remember to help boost others in this same manner of thinking.
Because certainly not all thoughts are destructive.

Don't you just love speaking in front of hundreds of people. Well, I don't. But that didn't prevent me from having to give a talk in church yesterday, the topic being gratitude...Skipping introductions and fancy endings, I do hope that this is a good opinion of such a graceful word, gratitude...

I love to travel, and one time my family went Escalante in Utah. We camped, and one of the days the eight of us just went driving, no goal in mind. But we reached the point where there was no paved road, phone service, or other people anywhere. And it was spectacular. I remember thinking that this place was like heaven. Mountains loomed around us beneath an array of billowing clouds, a whole spectrum of earth tones as if God himself had knelt down to streak his paintbrush across the rock before splattering it with vegetation and literally unfolding the work into this sea of mountains so far out that they disappeared into mist.

Note- Photo doesn't even begin to capture the real view

It was a really, really neat experience. And while I was in the car, I really got to thinking. This earth is beautiful. God has created this realm for us that is absolutely stunning. And not just that, but our Heavenly Father, for whatever reason, sent us to this exact time in this exact place with all the exact other circumstances. And for what he has given me, I need to thank Him.

Knowing my own blood makes me grateful.

My great-great-great grandma was a Creek Indian born on the Trail of Tears as her parent’s tribe was forced to leave their homes and travel hundreds of miles because the U.S. government. She later married a Frenchman whose family had crossed the Atlantic to escape the vicious revolution that did send one of my other ancestors to the guillotine. On my dad’s side, people baptized into this church had to leave everything they had ever known to travel from Denmark to Utah to be with the Saints.

Being appreciative of the sacrifices of my ancestors reminds me of what blessings I have in my life. Here, I get to live in a free country with the gospel and a loving family, while those before me suffered so much. And even though we all face difficulties, some unfortunately more than others, I personally want to take what I have and be the glass-is-half-full type of person.

If you think of the sacrifice Jesus made suffering the pains of every single person ever to take breath on the earth, it is incredible to think that He, the Perfect One, would even care. Why would he bleed from every pore for some sinner like me? Yet he did. And though there is no way I can ever repay Him, the least I can do I be so, so grateful.

D&C 78:19 says “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious.”

Statistics show that people who express gratitude are more likely to sleep well at night, be more healthy, experience successful marriages, and be overall more happy. So really, what’s the harm? By being thankful, you are also exercising humility, becoming closer to Christ, the One you owe the most gratitude towards, as you leave behind a little pride to say “Thank you.”

Also remember that things can change in a split second. You never know when things are gonna slip from your fingertips, so don’t ~~take them for granted.~~

So now, I must say that I am grateful to be a member of the Church. I am grateful for the courage of those fight for freedom and goodness. I am grateful for family and friends who so graciously support me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food to eat, an education. And most of all, I am thankful for the One who created this beautiful earth and then died that we might be saved.

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