Kate of the Desert

Showing posts with label Lessons. Show all posts

At first, I hesitated writing anything in regards to New Years resolutions for 2019. After all, with both an obsessive and an anxious personality, I tend to 1) work myself to exhaustion and 2) beat myself up black and blue when I feel I failed in some way {even if it wasn't that big of a deal}. Trying to set goals might only lead me to guilt and frustration when I don't measure up, especially considering how I rarely feel satisfied even when I do accomplish my initial goals {i.e. weight lost, distance ran, or number of hours worked per week}.
Then I realized that goals don't have to be about setting high standards for myself. My goals can be a means of improving my very own well-being:

Making time for friends and loved ones. I won't survive the next couple years of school if I keep on studying from sun-up to sundown and don't make my relationships a high priority. I hope to be more thoughtful and endearing towards those I am already close with, and opening myself up to new friendships as well.
Eating all three meals a day.
Not exercising as a means of self-punishment but instead exercising because it's something I want to do, because it sounds fun, or because I truly want to INCREASE my weight via muscle.
Not succumbing to my own guilt-tripping thoughts, and instead paying attention to my mental and emotional needs. The additional $10 made working are not worth that hour I could use to unwind on a day when I am actually feeling burnt out {I dictate my own employment hours}.
Allowing myself to spend money to both feed my needs but also to make memories. I'm not going to end up on the streets just for not pinching every single penny for my savings account.
Thinking kindly of myself.

I'll admit, 2018 was a hard year. But it's been one step at a time. One meal at a time. I remember nine months ago, breaking down on the steps of the McKay building after mapping out my schedule with my academic advisor. How was I supposed to make it through two more years of my undergrad when I couldn't even bear the thought of the next day? By autumn, the depression had not dissipated, {although I was in denial about it} and even now, I experience some of the symptoms. But 2018 taught me what it meant to fight even when I thought there was none left within me. It taught me to cling to that ghost of hope for the future, until at last it became a tangible thing to grasp onto.

One step at a time. One meal at a time.

It's 2019 now, and I am excited. Not just for this year, although I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store. I'm excited for life! I am excited to go to grad school, to be a clinician, to be a wife and then a mom, to keep writing my book, to go on a road trip with my COMD friends, to finally be able to cook foods because they taste delicious and not because they are grain-free-dairy-free-meat-free, to read Adam's mission emails, to go on hikes, to just be a normal person.

After a long summer of working, nighttime walks and episodes of Jane the Virgin with Rachel, all good things must come to an end, as school starts in a few short hours. I feel very blessed to have had a boss who not only made me and my work feel appreciated, but who encouraged "having a life" and taking time off to be with family even when I was stressed about not working enough.
This was a summer of healing. There was a lot I had to learn or relearn: how to better love my body and treat it with care, trusting the signals it sends me. How to respect myself and take "me time" to help myself grow as a person. How to enjoy life. After so many months of sacrificing activities which I love in order to overwork myself to the breaking point, I instead spent the sunny season writing chapters and chapters worth of my novel. It has felt so amazing to have "me" back.

I wasn't very brilliant when I booked my ticket to AZ: I missed my mom and brother's birthdays by 1-2 days, marking four years in a row of barely missing them. But I was ecstatic nevertheless to be home. On my first day we attended a surprise party for Aunt Sheryl's 50th; we also spent some valuable time with my grandparents who are now 88 and 87.

Now for the cute but slightly gory story: The morning after I got home, our pregnant dog Mia was panting and dripping green for several hours without much pushing, so rather being safe than sorry {given her sad history} we took her in for a C-section. We watched as they sliced her open and then kept pulling out more and more and more of the long, two-horned uterus. Then they cut open the uterus and handed puppy after puppy to us. Along with my mom and I, there were three other vets/assistants, and we worked on clearing their lungs by roughly rubbing their ribcages, running our fingers along the inside of their tiny mouths, bulb-syringing their noses, or swinging if necessary, until their started crying. There were seven total. We actually believed the first one to be dead, but despite being stained green and smelly, they were able to revive her after some time.

With just a few days until I finish my first semester at college, I realize that my life has changed so much and that I probably have too. I've had so many new experiences, meeting people from all over the globe and getting to be independent for the first time ever. As the oldest child in my family, I was kind of the guinea pig and never had anyone to give me some of those "girl talks" for advice on growing up. Looking back, here are some things based off my own experiences that I would say to my younger self:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel with all these AP and dual credit classes you're working so hard to get good grades in. Not only will it be way easier getting into college, but you will be SO glad you did all that when you're in college and suddenly don't have to take all those pesky GE classes that have nothing to do with your major. I transferred in with enough credits that I'm gonna have my associates by the end of February, and what a relief that is! Even if the AP classes don't transfer, take them anyway because they teach you the work ethic you will need desperately when you get to college and not only have no parental motivation but are having to work your tail off in the classes you'd think would be easy.
Make your family your top priority. I know, your friends are so fun to hang out with and you live with your family... but you won't always live with your family. Three months away from them feels more like six and you'll be missing late night drives with Adam and baking with Livy and intense movie analyzing with Rachel and Riparion walks with Eric and Soph.
TAKE MORE VIDEOS. Gosh, with only a limited number on your phone, you'll be surprised the replay button isn't broken because you'll find that's the best way to reminisce.
It's OKAY to cry. Bragging to your friends that you haven't cried at all in the months since the event happened because you think that they'll see weakness in you otherwise will NOT make you feel better about yourself. The emotion will only build up behind this artificial dam that will eventually crumble in a flood.
It's great to try to see the best in people and say "well nobody's perfect" when they do something that bothers you. But you also can't just sweep things under the rug. If they are cruel to other people, they can certainly be cruel to you. You should not be afraid of a breakup because, contrary to what you think, there can be someone better suited to you, someone who will make you realize how much potential you have to grow as a person. I know you're stuck in the memory of good times and are afraid of giving up a good future... but also see the present for the state that it is. Stop thinking in terms of fairytales and true love and be brave enough to make a decision that can seriously change your life... for the best, actually.
Realize that just because you feel pain does not mean that others can see it, so don't be upset with them for not helping you. What if they're going through hard things thinking that you're just as oblivious to their troubles as they are to yours? Rather, if you really want their help, TELL them, and pay close attention if they are in need as well.
Rather than assume you're 100% the victim, maybe try to see where the person is coming from, even if at the time it seems too hard. The things they said may have shattered your confidence, and some of their actions may have made you feel very vulnerable... but even if they were wrong, try to at least give them the benefit of the doubt, and also see your own flaws. I'm not saying you have to give them back your trust, but at least do those other things before you wave around your little victim flag.
Honestly, stop worrying about the number of followers you have on social media. You'll always think that if you reach THIS many then you'll be happy, but you'll never be happy at any number because others will always have way more than you anyway. Who cares though? How many of the followers that you have are ACTUALLY your good friends? Focus inwards to build yourself, outwards to build your relationships, but never downwards, obsessing over a dumb number on the phone in your hands.
EAT THE DANG PIECE OF CANDY. Stop fretting so much about the image in the mirror and enjoy yourself because a little bit of sugar is not going to make you fat.
Don't stop singing or playing piano! Once you move out you won't be able to do that freely anymore, and you will miss it like crazy. Plus, the lack of practice is rather a slap on the face to all those years of lessons.
Learn to smile more. You have been so blessed in many different ways in your life, so realize that and then show how grateful you are with some pearly whites.
FORGIVE. Girl, it is not in your nature to hold a grudge, but when you're trying so hard not to repeat your past by refusing to forget every bad thing that happened, you're just feeding the hatred inside of you that's going to do nothing but hurt your own soul. MOVE ON, and not just on the outside-- you did that immediately and that was the best thing you could have done-- but on the inside too.

{*disclaimer: as I said last week, I don't have very many regrets because most of the bad things resulted in really great things, but these are just lessons that I've learned.*}

*SO when remodeling my blog I added some coding that would make all the pictures the same width. Unfortunately I didn't realize that, unless I went through each and every blog post and changed each and every photo size to "original," they would all be super pixelated. Anyways apologies for what looked like crappy quality photos, I'm slowly but surely fixing them all.*
Vicodin is definitely not my thing. Although it saved me last night at 3:30 in the morning when the pain shot through each and every one of my teeth, taking it during the day was horrendous idea. When going out to lunch with Dallin's saint of a mother, I ended up hunched over in my chair in a gross cold sweat fighting severe dizziness. Needless to say we transported the food back to my house and instead chitchatted while I layed on the couch. And as it turns out, we both brought each other dark chocolate haha!
It's a very strange time in my life. With my best friend now gone, my main focus is moving, and for someone who hasn't moved since not-quite-six-years-old... Who knew someone could have so much stuff?! I've completely taken my room apart, emptied drawers, decluttered the closet and the space under the bed. While some stuff ended up in a donation pile, the rest of my belongings got separated into two categories: necessary for college and to be saved in boxes in the garage basically until I get married. I was a very imaginative child so I cannot even begin to tell you the number of half-finished homemade picture books, novels, poems, drawings and sculptures I have saved. It's hilarious to find old journal entries, and as for the dolls? They have their own box. After years of creative playing that involved both wild made-up adventures and researched playgames surrounding their place in history {my two favorite dolls were from the colonial era and the Great Depression}, I can't bear the thought of giving them away. {I was recently teased for the 2008 blog post rant about the American Girl Company putting some of the historic dolls into the "archive."}
These past few days have been admittably sad, but I am so excited for the new change in my life. I am ecstatic to experience the diverse culture of the island, and following those seven months I can take the even bigger step of serving a mission myself. While Dallin was getting set apart, I met up with my own bishop and started my paperwork!
Basically I am so so grateful for the direction my life has taken. I can only reiterate that those going through a hard time need to just push through it, because they have no idea the unexpected blessings that can come their way at any moment. I had heard many times that sometimes bad things happen for a reason. But I didn't realize till it all came to a peak my senior year that it is so true-- and had it not been for the exact way those seemingly-unfortunate situations happened, the wonderful opportunites I started receiving {some within a matter of days} could not have come my way.

This whole school year, I've tended to reserve blogging for special events like vacations and holidays and the occasional really good Saturday night. But being unable to find the camera cord to upload photos from Europe and Winter Formal, I realized that perhaps I've neglected other more serious parts of my life. I mean maybe it was because, after all, this is the Internet and some of this stuff is personal. But when it's made such a big difference in my life, perhaps it's worth sharing.
*edit: to clear things up, no, this is NOT about me feeling melancholy or missing any of the old relationships/friendships. I have ZERO remaining feelings. rather I wrote this as a reflection because I realized how triumphant I now feel.*
It's weird to look back now and see how differently than I expected that weird thing called high school played out. I was always wrapped up in my own little world, shy and silent on the outside but bursting with endless loud ideas beneath my eggshell. Needless to say, I had a really hard time feeling like I fit in-- anywhere.
I did manage to find a group of friends and even a boyfriend. I compiled plenty of enjoyable memories, and-- oh man-- was I convinced for almost two whole years that I knew what "true love" was.
Yet still I'd go through these periods of inexplicable sadness unquenched by fun Friday nights. I didn't feel right where I was {although still convinced the relationship was perfect} yet was completely incapable of making any change that might help me feel more... important? Is that the word? Finally, at the time of junior Prom, it seemed everything was working out. I started to become more connected with some of the people in my friend circle, and everyone in my prom group was dating each other. What I didn't know what that it would never last. When summer rolled around, everything fell apart.
We needn't go into the drama. What I will say is that the breakup dragged on for a month, and that I was very naive {especially towards the very end} thinking that I could still pick up the pieces and make everything picture perfect again. I just reread the breakup post from August and about died laughing when I saw that we "stilled poked each other with pencils" and that the sole reason for the breakup was "to get ready for his mission." HAHAHA. The day after that post we got in a huge fight where the truth was revealed and then we never really spoke again.
Now here's where we really begin.

In a moment when I thought this was bound to be the worst year of my whole high school career, I said "Girl, get ahold of yourself!" and just like that decided to make a change. My friends weren't really being that great to me, a secret of mine was spilled and gossip started flying around behind my back. Yet when I made up my mind to not cry over silly things, to not be a victim and to take control of my own life, suddenly I felt happier than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I gained a sense of self esteem because I recognized how useless it was to hide behind my own fears and self-pity. How trivial were my "problems" compared to the million other things I could be dealing with, so why not turn it into something better? It doesn't mean I was a witch; I dealt with things passive-aggressively, and let me tell you silence made such a bigger statement than a screaming fight ever could have. And I'm not saying that anything was easy. I had to be brave in the sense that I made changes in my social life-- both in who I spent my weekends with and with how I interacted with people in general. I forced myself out of my shell to become more talkative and suddenly realized that the big bad world may not be that big and bad after all.
The funny thing is, things have really been working out. The moment he said, "It's over," I thought everything was over, and yet within a matter of days things slowly but surely started taking an unexpected turn for the better. It was just a matter of positivity, a matter of doing the best I could and then just rolling with it. I've met new people I get along better with. I've encountered opportunities that I otherwise would've forgoed.
If I were to go back in time and meet the girl I was back in August, I don't know if she'd recognize me. I've changed so much. But I would never take anything back.

It's devastating the price of not only being an American, but of being a citizen on this planet earth. 13 years ago last Thursday almost 3000 people died when a group of heartless villains hijacked some planes. If you go back through my blog the past six years every 9/11, you'll find my memories of that horrific day.

this was ground zero when my family visited 10 years later. new york was certainly far from healing.

   Human beings-- we are fragile. Our hearts break and our bones break and it doesn't take much to snuff out our lights. For those who lost loved ones in the Twin Towers or in the planes, that pain will never go away. And yet every year, as the heartache comes back like a knife for these poor souls, more and more "uninvolved" people turn their backs. I mean, once my class graduates, all the schoolkids will be too young to remember!
   They say "Never Forget," and yet they forget.
        But regardless of whether or not you are old enough to remember, you have to understand the value of that saying "Never Forget." It's not about never forgiving {though I am by no means forcing you to} nor about being stuck in the past. It's about honoring the memory of those who faced tragedy and facing the present with renewed strength, wisdom and compassion. Today, the news is filled with conflict-- between U.S. & ISIS, Israel & Hamas, Ukraine & Russia, Muslims & Christians in Central Africa, North Korea & it's very own people {and can I perhaps add humans & animals?)! Headlines declare death and destruction and no end of hatred towards the fellow man. How can humanity possibly have become so cruel, so shortsighted?!
       I am not going to be some naive hippie shouting "peace" as if that word, if expressed with enough flowers tossed about, could stop the fire. I know that there are wicked, wicked people out there and too many blind and selfish to possibly rid the earth of these plagues. But I think the first step in creating a better generation is to teach kids from a young age about the horrors of history, the different cultures/mindsets of different people, the blessings of reaching out and trying to understand and feel love for those even on the other side of the globe.
      God be with those of you suffered on that horrid September morning. God be with those who still suffer while the heartless strip away their born rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I wore red, white, and blue on Thursday although not a single teacher brought up 9/11/01 because I will "Never Forget," and maybe, just maybe, that can help me become a better citizen of this little blue planet we ALL call home.

After every summer, half the kids in my school would come back sharing stories of this thing called EFY {Especially for Youth}. I didn't really know what it was. My parents like our family to bond, and over the summer that can include extensive vacations-- so I really never had the chance to sign up, even though most of my friends go every year. I'm not complaining, since I wouldn't exchange those family trips for the world, but I figured summer was my last chance to go, so I might as well see what it's all about.

Wow. Was it amazing or was it amazing? EFY is a five-day camp for kids who basically want to become better people while hanging out with a bunch of other awesome teens, and for my session I stayed at BYU Provo. The theme Anxiously Engaged suggests that we do everything with passion, with commitment, with appreciation, so that we can get more out of it and live a fuller life. I definitely learned a few things:

              Lets put it this way. Can you imagine having the ultimate overlord of the universe notice or care about you? Doesn't seem possible. But this grand king of creation is God, and He loves you with a greater capacity than the human mind can even comprehend. That's because He is your daddy and He made the effort to find the best time & place to put you on this little blue planet so that you could have the potential to do your part & live happily.
So basically, this is an even stronger reason that we don't need to conform to society. Yeah, that stuff may seem snazzy, but on your deathbed, whenever that may be, would you rather have that life-flashing moment be filled with trying to fit some ever-changing standard in the movies/magazines or with living to your full potential, no regrets, happy memories? I'm realizing more and more that there are some things that bring short term pleasures and there are other things that bring life-lasting joy. I know people who are into the exciting lifestyle shown become especially popular in this modern world, and I'm not condemning them at all!-- however, is the temporary thrill worth it when you might very easily prepone that death by aid AIDS or overdose or lung cancer? I'd rather play it safe, and though it may not be as "cool," I think in the end I can be much happier with a life focused on family, God, and personal growth. A quote in my English classroom said something neat for those who may be struggling with which side of the spectrum they want to choose: "I'd rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live as if there's no God and die to find out there is."
Perhaps that's the reason we turn old and grey and wrinkly in the end: so we don't focus our lives on some outer beauty that with whither away in a few year, but rather learn to magnify the best of our inner souls!

   After being at EFY, I'm even more excited for college. I'm a natural introvert, but it was good being forced out of my shyness in order to meet new people, be independent, be myself.
On Friday, we celebrated the 4th of July. Everyone met up in the field behind the school for a last dance, and then the fireworks exploded and the celebration began! We could even hear Carrie Underwood singing from the Stadium of Fire, and once more I was grateful for the "land of the free and the home of the brave" that allows me to worship freely and live as I choose to live.

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