It's just past one and sleep is far from my mind.  Although the past few nights have consisted of crashing early and then waking up at three with the need for medication {I feel like such a baby but ughhh why do we have wisdom teeth?!}, now?   I'm wide awake and bursting with emotion.
  To be honest, I'm scared.  I've been looking so forward to moving out and have spent basically my whole life preparing for college by keeping up my grades... but now, only a few days before moving and admist the chaos of shopping and goodbye get-togethers... I think it's actually hitting me that maybe I won't be as ready as I thought.  What if I'm the same awkward soul that I was the whole time growing up and have a hard time making friends?  What if taking 17 credits is an awful idea and I can't get the straight-A's needed for my tuition to be covered?  I'm terrified that I've relied too heavily on my parents and won't know what to do whilst alone on an island very, very far away.
     But then at the same time, I am so excited.  I feel like now I can finally do something with my life other than sitting around waiting for prime-time to come.  Even now, my fingers tingle with the urge to pry open the dam to my imagination, so perhaps I can finally put this creativity to some real use in the graphic design program.  The most elating aspect of leaving the nest is the concept of self-definement, the idea that nothing holds me back from experiencing the world {apart from money and responsibilty--haha-- but trust me to be smart about it}.  But really, perhaps I don't have to live the standard life!  After all, who cares if I live in a tiny, run-down home if I'm going on adventures with memories worth treasuring?  Do I really have to wait till I'm retired to fulfill my dreams of travel?  Is it necessary to be 100% secure in my own life before I can discover a way to change the lives of others?  {My idealistic musings spout the most when it's the middle of the night.}  
  For now, if you need me, I'll be in my room probably either writing, drawing, or recording music on the keyboard. Here are some photos we took before Haley left for college.

*SO when remodeling my blog I added some coding that would make all the pictures the same width.  Unfortunately I didn't realize that, unless I went through each and every blog post and changed each and every photo size to "original," they would all be super pixelated.  Anyways apologies for what looked like crappy quality photos, I'm slowly but surely fixing them all.*
Vicodin is definitely  not my thing.  Although it saved me last night at 3:30 in the morning when the pain shot through each and every one of my teeth, taking it during the day was horrendous idea.  When going out to lunch with Dallin's saint of a mother, I ended up hunched over in my chair in a gross cold sweat fighting severe dizziness.  Needless to say we transported the food back to my house and instead chitchatted while I layed on the couch.   And as it turns out, we both brought each other dark chocolate haha!
It's a very strange time in my life. With my best friend now gone, my main focus is moving, and for someone who hasn't moved since not-quite-six-years-old... Who knew someone could have so much stuff?!  I've completely taken my room apart, emptied drawers, decluttered the closet and the space under the bed.  While some stuff ended up in a donation pile, the rest of my belongings got separated into two categories: necessary for college and to be saved in boxes in the garage basically until I get married.  I was a very imaginative child so I cannot even begin to tell you the number of half-finished homemade picture books, novels, poems, drawings and sculptures I have saved.   It's hilarious to find old journal entries, and as for the dolls?  They have their own box.  After years of creative playing that involved both wild made-up adventures and researched playgames surrounding their place in history {my two favorite dolls were from the colonial era and the Great Depression}, I can't bear the thought of giving them away.  {I was recently teased for the 2008 blog post rant about the American Girl Company putting some of the historic dolls into the "archive."}
  These past few days have been admittably sad, but I am so excited for the new change in my life.  I am ecstatic to experience the diverse culture of the island, and following those seven months I can take the even bigger step of serving a mission myself.  While Dallin was getting set apart, I met up with my own bishop and started my paperwork!
     Basically I am so so grateful for the direction my life has taken.  I can only reiterate that those going through a hard time need to just push through it, because they have no idea the unexpected blessings that can come their way at any moment.  I had heard many times that sometimes bad things happen for a reason.  But I didn't realize till it all came to a peak my senior year that it is so true-- and had it not been for the exact way those seemingly-unfortunate situations happened, the wonderful opportunites I started receiving {some within a matter of days} could not have come my way.

I just barely got home from the oral surgeon.
Less than an hour after Dallin's plane took off, they stuck a needle in me, put a mask over my mouth and then I don't remember anything until I was in the waiting room surrounded by siblings.  With my wisdom teeth gone and my mouth filled with guaze, I remember I didn't think anyone would understand me so I motioned for my mom's phone I wrote, "Did my heart do anything?"  I have been having chest pains and am scheduled for an appointment with the cardiologist, but since I was hooked up I was hoping that I would experience the angina so they could see if the moniter wigged out.  Then I typed, "Am I gonna remember this?" but apparently I do... let's see if it stays that way.  I think I typed something else, not sure, but I know I asked Eric for a hug.  I really wanted to tickle him, but I didn't because then they would blame it on the drugs.  I kept giggling.  Before going in I gave my mom my glasses, but when I asked for them back she thought I was making it up!  But I tried to tell her through my gauze, "Mom you're not the one on drugs, yet I can remember I wore my glasses because I was scared I would try to take my new contacts out if they were dried out when I woke up!"  She is yet to remember. I felt semi like a gymnast because the only way for me to walk to the car without crumpling into the nurse's arm was by walking on the balls of my feet.  I remembered a lot, including the fact that Dallin left and how I was dreading taking my teeth out because I was worried I would either be bawling my eyes out or say something raunchy.  While getting in the car I told my mom that I needed to be careful because Dallin thought he could handle himself and almost nailed his head on the car. I kept almost falling over in my seat and they all would freak out. I was really proud for being able to control myself, though I apologized to my siblings for being boring.  They said I wasn't, and my mom said I was being way too talkative.  Eric tried to trick me by saying that 9+10=21, although I initially misheard it as 9x10 and told them 90, so they thought I was stupid.  I told them maybe my abnormally thin face would maybe look normal because of the swelling, but when I looked in the mirror I realized that it's more my jaw swollen so I told my mom I currently have an inverted triangle face.  She laughed and thought it was my drug brain, but no that's a real thing if you take a face shape test!  
I can't really walk that well.  My brain is definitely not connected properly to my body and as I type I'm getting progressively dizzier, though also progressively more cohesive.  Now my mom is asking what I'm doing because apparently being on drugs is no excuse to be blogging.  Psht.  I've thought since waking up that I'm being fairly normal but we'll see about that when I watch my video.

my chubby lopsided attempt at a smile

    The honest truth is I never wanted to fall head-over-heels for Dallin Thomas.

yesterday after we went to the Mesa Arts Center solely for the purpose of spinning in the top chairs

    Today I said my goodbyes as he left to get set apart as a missionary; his plane takes off first thing tomorrow and wow is it way harder than I expected. Last summer I would've never foreseen this.  Heck, a year ago would probably have been one of those nights spent crying over the way my then-boyfriend treated me, having no idea that the future had so much more to offer.  The first time I heard of Dallin I actually rolled my eyes at the girls lamenting about how he was so cute but already had a girlfriend... and the first time I saw him  {far away on stage and heavily made-up as a ghost in Addam's Family} I could only purse my lips at my cousin who commented on his chiseled face.
      Three days after a massive blow-up with my ex, my mom tried to convince me to go to Adam's birthday party by using "Dallin will be there!" as persuation.  I wasn't interested.  I wanted to hang out with my friends-- but I was heartbroken when I found out they had all flocked to my ex's house, and the invitation was not extended to me.  So with no other option I bounced quietly between my brother's aquaintances.  All of a sudden someone started playing piano, and my mom nudged me.  "There's Dallin!"  Not gonna lie, I was worried he was gonna be some loser kid who wasn't nearly as good-looking as everyone said, but I was wrong-- he was even more so.  To my surprise he was not only willing to talk to me, but we talked nearly the rest of the night.  He told me about his adventures in a shark cage so I told him about swimming with pirhanas.  Even after everyone had left and we had gotten out of the pool, he stayed to help clean up.

he took me to Rainforest Cafe because he'd never been and I've loved it since I was a toddler

A week later my mom asked me to go with her to pick up Adam and Rachel from AYT.  I'm so glad I did-- Dallin bumped into me, asked for my number, and the following weekend {a mere three-weeks after a horrible break-up and my dead-serious confession to someone that I "probably won't get asked on another date till I'm twenty"} we went on a date to Skateland.
     Even though I was the most awkward date on the planet, Dallin continued inviting me to hang out with him.  We got along {although I was still semi-convinced he was a jock} and Dallin could certainly cater to my adventurous side.  But even on our first date, while eating our shaved ice {which I kept spilling}, we both confessed that we were not looking for a relationship our senior year.  Pshhht, who would want a relationship when there'd be less time knowing each other than there would be waiting for each other when the mission came?
Then New Years swung around, and in the dark of early morning Dallin asked me to be his girlfriend. I was taken-aback.  He said he would give me time to contemplate my response, but as soon as I walked through the door and told Adam, I wished that I could chase down his red truck and tell him yes.  I hadn't answered initially because 1) I was scared he wouldn't want to be tied down and 2) I didn't want to get attached to someone leaving so soon... but I realized in that moment that it was too late.  I was already attached.

    Seven months later, I will definitely remember senior year as the best year of high school.  I've gotta hand it to him-- I was an absolute MESS when I met him, but Dallin helped me pick up the shards of my shattered, confused world and rearrange them into a mosaic more colorful and beautiful than the original could ever have been.  My parents commented that in the past year I've become much more confident, outgoing, happy and mature overall, and perhaps it had something to do with getting a job or taking college classes or just growing up...  But I have no doubt in my mind that Dallin had a lot to do with it.
     Dallin is smart, hardworking, respectful, charming,  positive, always kind, hilarious, well-rounded, adventurous.  He is that dorky person who is always pushing people's buttons in a way that's too cute and funny to make them mad.  He is an incredible listener who can see through a facade when something is wrong, and he is quick to strike up a conversation with anyone of any age.  We could talk about anything!  And whether we were attending rock concerts downtown or stargazing in the desert or just sitting on the couch with nothing to do after a volleyball game, we were always having fun.  It didn't matter what we were doing or how long we'd been doing it-- it always took way too long to say goodbye.   We were both best friends and dating.  Not once did we get in a fight.
     It will be so hard going two years without him always sending adorably sweet texts, calling me just to hear about my day, doing annoying things like blowing in my ear to see my reaction, and cracking himself up with his own jokes.  I'll miss the hilarious way he pronounces certain words {even if I don't understand the references}  or makes up his own {he refered to our newborn puppies as Dobbypotamuses because of their ears}.  Dallin is the only person I've told about my book, and he remembers my bucketlist better than I do, having made the effort to check several items off.  Gosh, the list of things I'll miss could go on forever.
     Yet this is an exciting new time in both our lives.  This is a time that will hopefully shape us, give us experience, teach us more about ourselves while we are still young and new to the world we have just entered.  I am sad!  But I will not will the time away, nor will I turn down opportunities to have a blast as I enter this new stage of college and then mission.  I don't know what will happen, but I trust that everything will fall into place and I will forever be grateful for these incredible memories I've been given.  And to Dallin-- good luck baby, give the Lord all you've got and see you in two.

after his farewell

*I will add the pictures when they come.*
I guess getting stuck in Beaver UT wouldn't have mattered that much if it weren't for the fact that it stole one of my last opportunities to be with Dallin before he went on his mission for two years.  Yeah, there'd be another ten days after he got back, but I knew he'd be wildly busy preparing to move his whole life to Chicago.
My mom was on the phone for a while that night.  As she hung up, her eyes gleamed with excitement. "His mom just invited you to Lake Powell!"
So two days later their friends picked me up on their way from Oregon. I hid on the other side of the car for a few minutes while Dallin helped unload, and then suddenly ran around and pushed him from behind.  When he turned around, the look on his face was priceless as he first stared at me in shock, and then embraced and swung me around.

I am so utterly grateful to his family for such a fun, amazing week.  I love the sensation of wind and sunshine and spray across my face while the boat tears through the water; my feet were left stinging and red yet I love the adventure of climbing up the sandstone hills that pave the shape of the lake. OK, so maybe it scared me a bit as Dallin and his cousin Reed took running starts to scale the more slippery parts of rockface, and when I tried to use the numerous ants as a reason for them to stay down, Dallin instead named them {*update, he wanted it known that the name is Sigore}.  We also discovered that the lizards have evolved with white scales to blend in!  In the afternoons we would park the boats for lunch on the beach followed by a round of tubing {the bridge of my nose was blue and swollen for days after I smacked my face on something haha}.


 His mom and sister found an obsession with driftwood, so I laughed when Dallin asked me and Reed to go for a ride on his giant stick, and then we chugged along in the water like it was a floating train {except I was mostly doggy-paddling since the boys held it with their knees and I am much shorter}.
We also pretended to be cool by getting rub-on tattoos or, in Dallin's case, I spent two hours drawing on his arm with a Sharpie.

At night we would join the little girls in a game of hide-and-seek with five trees, hang out on the rooftop balcony, watch Sharkweek, roast s'mores, laugh through pages and pages of FML stories, bake cookie dough cheesecake, or I would sit back and brainstorm book ideas while the boys played Halo.

On one of my favorite days was when the channel became too thin for the boat, so we hopped in the water and started exploring.  Trying to climb the slippery sandstone was definitely one of the hardest things any of us had ever done.
 I couldn't believe the beauty of the green water contrasted by red-streaked walls!

Even on the last day, the adventure wasn't over.  Dallin and I rode in Reed's car and last minute we decided to visit Horseshoe Bend {an AZ bucket list item of mine}.  To put it in Reed's words, "This was a good decision."

 

 Adam, Sophie and Eric's pants were soaked through after multiple runs down the snowy hill.  Yup, we're definitely from the desert.
We spent a lot less time our way south than we did going north.  This meant a lot of time crammed in the car, and I found that I actually like sitting in the back corner seat, where I can cuddle up in a blanket either writing on my computer, drawing, or watching Mean Girls with Olivia on the iPad.
You can't be a true American without having Yellowstone on your bucket list.  I had no idea how incredible the colors of geysers could be!  Years and years of heat melded the minerals into bright oranges and tainted the water with turquoise.  We even saved ourselves front row seats for over an hour so we could watch Old Faithful explode, her steam shooting magnificently into the sky.
The next morning, we were so very grateful to reunite for the first time in years with our Boston friends Sunni and Jason and their family.  Then we headed on out with the plan to make it home by evening.  It had been a wonderful trip, but once we were in the car I was anxious to return to Arizona because I really wanted to surprise Dallin {whom I'd previously told I wouldn't see until after his Lake Powell trip, which I'd thought at the time I told him was overlapping}.  Unfortunately, the car disagreed.  In Beaver, Utah our fuel line shattered and, to make matters worse, the piece is only sold at certain locations AND since it was July 3rd, all the auto shops would be closed till the following Monday {which would in fact cause our trips to overlap}. Although once again thankful that we hadn't been killed by some car mishap, we were still bummed out because now we'd be spending fourth of July in a small town with no possible way to get around.
  It ended up being alright, though.  A mile away was a KOA campsight with a pool and some very kind people.  After three weeks being constantly on the go, we were able to wind down, and I spent hours simply sketching.  For Independence Day, we were startled by the apparent UT tradition which involves cannons shooting off at 6 AM for fifteen minutes straight.  That night, we walked to the Family Dollar for ice cream while singing Bonnie and Clyde songs and watching fireworks in the distance.  God Bless America!

 Alberta is like that fairytale land you'd think was too enchanting to actually exist.  From the mist-blanketed mountains to the virgin forests so pure that one breath can cleanse your mind of the tumbling vanities of our modern world, this part of Canada reminded me just how beautiful our mother earth is.  
 Last year when we helped move our grandparents down from Salt Lake, we discovered a projector and dozens of picture slides dating back to the fifties.  One of the sets showed my grandma young and smiling with her cute vintage fashion-- and a stunning emerald lake behind her.  Turns out this was Lake Louise, and my jaw dropped the very second I set my eyes on it.
 In Banff we walked through a highly sulfur-scented tunnel and saw an sacred Native American hot spring shimmering below the cavern's stalactite.  
Some of the small Canadian towns reminded us a lot of the ski towns in Utah and Colorado.  Mom was super excited because, as it turns out, the candies we discovered in Spain are actually called livewires and are popular in Canada. 
We also stayed in a hotel next to the Olympic stadium, complete with a fabulous water
slide that we couldn't help but go down over and over again in the ten minutes before the pool/hot tub closed.  The three younger kids were so ecstatic to relax in the room that they offered to stay back with a cheap Wendy's meal while us older people ate at a fancier restaurant.
 I told them they shouldn't feed the wild animals knock-off Cheeto puffs, but they couldn't resist the urge to bribe furry critters into their laps.  We saw lots of animals including moose, bison, bighorn sheep, and antelopes, but no bears-- to my strange family's disappointment {not mine}.  One night while camping Adam YouTubed a video of a bear growl, played it right outside the window and made Sophie cry.