This whole school year, I've tended to reserve blogging for special events like vacations and holidays and the occasional really good Saturday night.  But being unable to find the camera cord to upload photos from Europe and Winter Formal, I realized that perhaps I've neglected other more serious parts of my life.  I mean maybe it was because, after all, this is the Internet and some of this stuff is personal.  But when it's made such a big difference in my life, perhaps it's worth sharing.
*edit: to clear things up, no, this is NOT about me feeling melancholy or missing any of the old relationships/friendships.  I have ZERO remaining feelings.  rather I wrote this as a reflection because I realized how triumphant I now feel.*    
  It's weird to look back now and see how differently than I expected that weird thing called high school played out.  I was always wrapped up in my own little world, shy and silent on the outside but bursting with endless loud ideas beneath my eggshell.  Needless to say, I had a really hard time feeling like I fit in-- anywhere.
 I did manage to find a group of friends and even a boyfriend.  I compiled plenty of enjoyable memories, and-- oh man-- was I convinced for almost two whole years that I knew what "true love" was.
  Yet still I'd go through these periods of inexplicable sadness unquenched by fun Friday nights.   I didn't feel right where I was {although still convinced the relationship was perfect} yet was completely incapable of making any change that might help me feel more... important?  Is that the word?   Finally, at the time of junior Prom, it seemed everything was working out.  I started to become more connected with some of the people in my friend circle, and everyone in my prom group was dating each other.  What I didn't know what that it would never last.  When summer rolled around, everything fell apart.
  We needn't go into the drama.  What I will say is that the breakup dragged on for a month, and that I was very naive {especially towards the very end} thinking that I could still pick up the pieces and make everything picture perfect again.  I just reread the breakup post from August and about died laughing when I saw that we "stilled poked each other with pencils" and that the sole reason for the breakup was "to get ready for his mission."  HAHAHA.  The day after that post we got in a huge fight where the truth was revealed and then we never really spoke again.
  Now here's where we really begin.
In a moment when I thought this was bound to be the worst year of my whole high school career, I said "Girl, get ahold of yourself!" and just like that decided to make a change.  My friends weren't really being that great to me, a secret of mine was spilled and gossip started flying around behind my back.  Yet when I made up my mind to not cry over silly things, to not be a victim and to take control of my own life, suddenly I felt happier than I'd ever felt in my entire life.  I gained a sense of self esteem because I recognized how useless it was to hide behind my own fears and self-pity.  How trivial were my "problems" compared to the million other things I could be dealing with, so why not turn it into something better?  It doesn't mean I was a witch; I dealt with things passive-aggressively, and let me tell you silence made such a bigger statement than a screaming fight ever could have.  And I'm not saying that anything was easy.  I had to be brave in the sense that I made changes in my social life-- both in who I spent my weekends with and with how I interacted with people in general.  I forced myself out of my shell to become more talkative and suddenly realized that the big bad world may not be that big and bad after all.
  The funny thing is, things have really been working out.  The moment he said, "It's over," I thought everything was over, and yet within a matter of days things slowly but surely started taking an unexpected turn for the better.  It was just a matter of positivity, a matter of doing the best I could  and then just rolling with it.   I've met new people I get along better with.  I've encountered opportunities that I otherwise would've forgoed.
  If I were to go back in time and meet the girl I was back in August, I don't know if she'd recognize me.  I've changed so much.  But I would never take anything back.