**and other pics from my husband's phone 

I know I'm not supposed to step on a scale, but I do anyway.  I don't own one, but I'm good at finding them. For the past year or more, I'd been at a weight I knew was too low (between 97-99 pounds), the weight below my forever "goal weight" of 100 pounds that I maintained for all of high school.  A few weeks ago, I realized I'd gotten back up to the "goal weight," and it trigged the familiar old eating disorder behaviors all over again. It's like 100 was my comfort number for so long that now I needed to give it padding to make sure I didn't go over it. 

It's stupid, really, because it's a matter of a few little pounds.  But apparently a few little pounds is enough to mark me as "healthy" on the BMI rating, and though that should be reason to celebrate, for some sick and twisted reason it had me going into a panic.  OK yes, I was more-or-less consistently skipping meals before, but now I was body checking, prodding and poking my stomach, and fretting over calories again. I was feeling food guilt and wanting to purge, although that's something I only ever successfully did once four years ago. It's even more stupid because I know that it's the reason for my exhaustion and headaches that pop up more than they should, and yet it doesn't deter me from acting up again.

Despite these behaviors, when I stepped on the scale again today, I had gained more weight and was 102 pounds. Again, only a few pounds. I felt so frustrated and defeated.  But then, when looking through my husband's phone for photos of our latest trips, I stumbled upon screenshots of old Snapchats and was stunned to see the difference in my face and body over the space of a few months from 2017 to 2018 when my eating disorder really kicked into gear.  It's crazy for me to see how much healthier and honestly prettier I looked when my weight was normal.

**Note: I am aware that lighting and angles can change the way the face and body look. I am also aware that age plays a factor.  Back then I was around 21.

August 30, 2017. 107 lbs.

I'd been home from Germany for six days.  At one point on my mission I reached 114 pounds and put myself on a strict diet. Once I got home, I vowed to kick myself into gear now that I didn't have to worry about being fed by members who always insisted on me eating second helpings of foods I deemed unhealthy and otherwise avoided. My goal: 100 pounds.

September 17, 2017. 105 lbs. You can still see the healthy fullness of my cheeks.

October 8, 2017.  I was appalled at how "chubby" I looked in birthday pictures two days later. Looking back, I know that was eating disorder trickery.

October 22, 2017. Within months this new skirt would no longer fit.

October 26, 2017. Back when I still had a booty.

November 8, 2017.

I may have freaked out today when I saw that I was 102 lbs, but I know deep down it's for the better. 

July 27, 2021. 102 lbs.