Fun fact: I love Photoshop.
Have you ever taken the time to write about yourself? It's rather interesting! The more you write, the more things dawn on you, and suddenly you've discovered all these quirks about yourself so that your life makes so much more sense! I highly recommend it. Here's what I found: - There's this unknown force that makes me do everything super fast. Like people make comments about it, that's how bad it is. I am always way ahead of everyone when walking in a group {despite my short legs}, I had to consciously force myself to not drive way over the speed limit back in my car days, I talk fast, I speed around the house even if I'm on vacation with another family and literally have no obligations... Waiting around for someone, be it city bus or just a friend, makes me so antsy, and Monday I worked on my online classes till eleven before getting up the next morning and realizing that I have almost nothing left to do for the rest of the week. Is it because I have a purpose with everything? Is it because I'm worried that if I don't get ahead I won't have time later if something important comes up? Maybe that's why I almost have enough credits to be a junior despite living away from home for only three months.
- I always feel like I have to do SOMETHING productive during the day. I think it stems back from this March blog post when I was mad at myself for wasting so much of my time and made a goal to, well, do something productive every day. This is great in many many ways... But I've noticed that I now have a REALLY hard time relaxing. Gosh dang it, I'm taking seven classes already, why do I feel this crazy urge to sign up for an eighth! Yesterday, even though I worked out for an hour and like I said had finished almost all of my homework, I felt inexplicably uncomfortable with using my spare time to read a really good book and watch Netflix. There is nothing wrong with either of these things! Ironically, whenever I do have something my brain deems as productive like "school" or "homework" or "a job," I just want it to be over and done with so that I can go back to those other "less productive" things that I will never be able to truly relax with. Honestly I think writing is one of the few things I can do sitting in my room that I will feel totally content with.
- I love reminiscing about the past and daydreaming of the future. I guess what other reason would I have to blog than to lock up all my thoughts and memories-- and then rummage through that safe months or years later, reliving those adventurous or hilarious or romantic times. Even worse, I totally get tangled up in visions of how I want my future to play out. Things I want to do when I'm married... when I'm a mom... when I get home after my mission and am reunited with those I haven't seen in too long... heck, I spent hours last Sunday planning out every nitty-gritty detail of the AZ Christmas party that can't even happen for several weeks!
- My focusing skills are horrendous. That's why it's a shock I was able to read for so many hours yesterday, because be it class or church or writing or reading, it takes a heck of a lot of effort to tell my brain to shut up and pay attention to whatever is going on in the real world. It's not even that I start doing other things, I just fall a daze of daydreams, thought trains, and super random questions!
- I am an extroverted introvert. This means that I can totally entertain myself for days on end by just being creative, I am 100% content sitting alone in the cafeteria or the auditorium and actually do so most days, and the more people there are in the setting the more quiet I will become. Despite being good at being alone, I can't spend too much time alone without craving the sight of familiar faces. I absolutely love socializing if I am comfortable with those around me, and I still always want to go out and meet new groups when with these friends, even though this is admittedly energy-expending. I do better when there are less than ten people, and I think I act the most myself when I am with only one or two. {Is this why I was always good at keeping long-term relationships but wasn't always the best at maintaining a solid friend group?}
- I always have a million and one things to say. Perhaps this is why I love writing so much, because if someone gives a cue for me to tell my thoughts, I will suddenly dive into these long stories and explanations and contemplations. I have no issue talking about things that have happened in my life and love nothing more than a nighttime stroll and a deep discussion about life. People tell me I'm quiet, but that's because they haven't experienced me talking their friggen ear off.
- I am semi-organized. Like I'm bad at keeping my dorm straight, but then all my Pinterest boards are organized into these super specific semi-categories. While most people have a few boards that all have hundreds of pins each, I have like three separate fashion boards {for different seasons}, four different wedding boards {separated into dresses, two different reception themes, and miscellaneous romantic ideas}, nine different food boards {you can't just mix all the entrees and desserts and salads and facts about clean eating all together!}, etc.
- If I'm determined to be determined then I'm really good at it. Like tell myself no sugar for this set amount of time? Boom done. Convert my entire blog into a book by this set date? K, it will require spending weeks pouring all of my time and effort into it, make my eyes and fingers ache, and otherwise bore me to death, but I'll do it and be so glad I did. Not cry for MONTHS after the end of a two-year relationship and despite friendship troubles because I was gossiped to be a whiny weakling? OH HECK NO I will show them just how strong and confident I am {ok, this was admittedly a bad idea but no regrets, everything turned out splendidly}.
- I like and dislike control at the same time. I hate being dependent and am good at taking the reigns if, for example, I have a group project and I want an A. I refuse to lose out on opportunities for a fun time, so I will totally text people to see if we could hang out even if though I am always so paranoid doing that. But I also have never initiated anything with a male ever {whoops} and am that indecisive person who will be like "I don't care, let's do whatever YOU want to do," when trying to make plans.
- Conflict stresses me out like none other, so I try to avoid strife at all costs (even if it ends up backfiring in the end). I don't really get angry that easily. Yes, I am capable of getting annoyed or disappointed, but generally for me to get really mad there has to involve someone that I really deeply love. Either someone is hurting a person that I love... a person I love and have put some seriously deep trust in shatters that trust by lying or attacking my character... or a combination of that. To date I can't remember any time I've confronted someone about an issue... partially because I'm really bad at standing up for myself and because when these people made it 100% clear that their logic was not to be argued, I didn't how to react besides silence. Whenever something happens, though, I always have to talk it out with someone else, like my father, who won't judge but will sit there and listen before giving advice that helps both reinstate my confidence and then also help me see that other person's side of it. After it's all over, I usually can get over it pretty fast, even if my trust might not come back for a while. There was only one time that I stayed angry for an extended period of time, but I regret that. I think I was scared to put away my anger because I thought that would mean taking down my defense wall and becoming susceptible to the same attacks that had made me so vulnerable in the first place... but that's not true. Now I hope that if something were to ever happen again, I could remember who I am and that anger is not in my nature.
*Backstory: On my first blog post back in 2008, I said that I'd considered titling it "Kalizabeth Rose," me being a fifth grader and Kalizabeth being a combination of my first and middle names. I'd forgotten about it but when Dallin found it he thought it was funny apparently and now will randomly use it.*
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